The crazy things God is doing in my life: part 2

Being used by God is such a strange thing because most of the time you aren’t even aware of it. I wrote in my last post that I kept trying to think of things to say to Paul, but nothing ever came. Everything that was said just sort of happened and when things that came out of my mouth or fingers affected him, I was shocked. I was sitting here watching his thoughts and feelings and heart change, not because anything I said, but because of what God was saying through me. But I’m not writing this blog to tell about being used or what is going on in Paul’s life. What I really want to share is what things I have learned so far, how Paul has changed my life and my relationship with God.

I shared with him some of the hardships I have faced in the past and things that God has taught me. We talked about how people are not perfect and their love is not perfect, they will fail us, hurt us and disappoint us just as we will to others. We talked about how the past makes us who we are, it shapes us, but it doesn’t have to define our future. We talked about forgiveness and we talked about trying to forgive his mom. The forgiveness conversation is one of a handful that really stands out to me because so far because of he reminded me of something very important. He asked me why he should forgive her and told me that she didn’t deserve it. WOW. – that was all I could think was, wow. I mean, thank God that none of us ever do really get what we deserve. My mind started jumping back to countless conversations about God’s grace and mercy and how we are supposed to forgive others freely and openly as He did for us. Somewhere along the way I learned that “Grace is what God gives that we don't deserve and Mercy is what God doesn't give that we do deserve” – how true is that!? And I am so fortunate to have a loving God that works like that. Here’s the catch. How often do we fail to model that in our own lives? Gosh, for me, all of the time. But who are we to judge what people do and do not deserve? Our society is based on competition, on people trying to get what they deserve, of people falling short, of life being “unfair.” I can’t imagine if God decided to treat us the way we treat each other. In terms of forgiveness, it is not our place to not forgive someone for something. I mean, Jesus died for everyone’s sins and offenses – God forgives everyone. So what does it say if my God forgives someone for something and I refuse to? – clearly I’m out of line. We have no right not to forgive people. In Paul’s case, he is deeply hurt and scared of being hurt again. It is that pain that makes it difficult for him to forgive. I realize that in many everyday situations forgiveness is as easy as making a choice, often it is a matter of setting aside pride. But what about when there are a lot of negative emotions – when there is actual pain that makes it difficult to forgive?

In all honesty, I don’t know how to answer that. See, I discovered the freedom of Christ at such a young age and I have always had a relationship with Him. There have most defiantly been times where I was closer to God than others, but He has always been part of my life. I can’t imagine what it would be like without Him. I have no clue how to even begin to understand the darkness, loneliness and hopelessness of a life without the life, light, strength and hope that I have found in God. No, forgiveness isn’t always easy for me and in most cases for me it is a matter of pride, but I’d imagine it still comes much easier because I know I have been forgiven. I know what has been done for me and that my God expects of me to forgive. I also know that He takes care of everything. Because of my faith in Him, I don’t have to worry and I know everything is going to be taken care of. I can’t possibly imagine what it would be like not knowing that. I guess I never really thought about the peace and freedom that I’ve been given. I’ve never tried to imagine a life without God and so I’ve never fully understood or realized the extent of the gifts I’ve been given through Him. But I sure am learning that now.

God has been using His Radio a lot in my life recently too now. It is all I have been listening to. Every day, often several times a day, it totally fills me up. The things I hear, the songs, the conversations—all of it either makes me think of just how wonderful my God is, how much He loves me or how much He loves Paul. One afternoon, about 4 days into my new relationship with Paul, a little boy came on the radio and started talking about people and how special everyone is. He very directly reminded me that “God hand made each of us for a special purpose.” That hit me hard. Paul was hand made by God to fulfill a special purpose. God has a special purpose for him. It made me realize the importance of everyone, but specifically Paul. I went home and wrote “Paul was hand made by God for a special purpose” on a sticky note and posted it on my wall. This really isn’t something that I can ignore, I can’t say that his beliefs are too far for him to come back. I can’t say that he won’t ever change his mind and over the past few weeks I have grown to love him so much that I don’t want to just politely “respect” his beliefs. God has made it clear to me that He has something special for this man, God wants him. My job now is to show Paul that God wants him.

Paul and I started talking quite a bit and I have really gotten to know him a good bit now. I love talking to him and have really come to love him as a person. He is so talented and passionate and creative. I think he is brilliant. However, there came a point where talking with him was interfering with my study time. I refused to blow him off one evening because our conversation was captivating but I was also freaking out because I was really having a hard time studying for a big test. I had His Radio on in the background. There was some little segment about chasing things, money, success, possessions, ect. Now, in the past when people talk about chasing success I always think jobs, careers and work. But at that exact moment I realized that I have been driving myself crazy and potentially denying my friends my time because I was chasing my 4.0. I got a 4.0 last semester and now suddenly B’s aren’t acceptable for me anymore. I’m not longer just satisfied with good grades, everything has got to be an A – I was chasing success. Maybe that is why I had already felt overwhelmed and frustrated with life before Paul came along. Just a few weeks ago I was super overwhelmed because I had three very close friends of mine each going through individual hardships and I was having a very difficult time giving them the time they needed from me and focusing on school. I ended up not putting them first, not giving them the time and love they needed for me and studying instead. That was so very wrong of me. Anyways, after I had that mini revolution – I put my books away, knowing that I knew the material well enough to make at least a C – and devoted my time to Paul for the rest of the evening. Since then, I have been more careful to not “chase” good grades and to give my loved ones the time and support they need from me. Those relationships and people are so much more important to me than having all A’s. ( I ended up getting an A on the test anyways in case anyone is interested—but I’m pretty sure that I got some Divine intervention).

So far, out of all of this the biggest thing I have been reminded of is God’s love. I can 100% honestly say that I am in awe of what I’m watching take place here. Paul was living a life that was full of pain and anger, hurt, loneliness and rejection and he had totally closed his heart off to God. But God saw his pain and he reached out to him. I am humbled that I was used in any part of it – but the fact that God chose to use me shows me the great lengths He was going to reach out to Paul. What God has done in my life to prepare my heart for this situation and what He has shown me so far during this journey is incredible and the fact that God has had this plan in the works for ages now. He loves Paul that much, he wants Paul so badly that he would come to me. Just me – some random person that Paul dated and dumped in the 10th grade and then never talked to again. I mean, I know God likes to do things very differently and usually takes the most unexpected route (wow, I really am His child – I guess I know where I got the whole being out of the box thing from) I would have guessed that he would have picked someone close to Paul to talk to him, someone that could actually see him, or someone he actually cared about – but for some reason, He picked me. And He isn’t giving up, and I promised God that as long as He didn’t give up, I wouldn’t either (so I might be writing on this whole thing for a long time) Since the day that Paul first started talking to me, I didn’t and still don’t know exactly what God’s goal is for me, what He wants me to accomplish. I have no idea how this is all going to play out. I don’t know God’s plans or intentions for Paul. All I do know is that God told me to love him and to accept him and to tell him that God loves him.

Maybe the reason I have never seen this much passion poured out for any one person before is because I’ve never looked or I’ve never been a part of something quite like this. My God is so mighty and powerful, He is so loving and His passion is fierce. He has given me such a love for Paul that I can’t explain. I’ve never been on this side of things to see God wanting and fighting for someone before. I have been so truly blessed to have the seat that I do for this show, to be able to watch Paul’s heart change and to watch my God call out to him. I have never seen a need for a relationship with Christ as great as this, and I’m sure it is because I haven’t been looking, but I swear that watching the two of them is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and it really has changed my life, rocked my world and shaken me up.

I hope to be able to continue to build a relationship with Paul and my prayer is that one day he will chose to answer God’s call to him and that he will be made whole by finding the same love, joy, peace and hope that I have found. I’ll continue to keep you posted on the crazy things God is doing in my life and what He is teaching me and showing me throughout this incredible journey.