7x70 -- for my parents

This is a newer song out by Chris August. Its called 7x70.

I’ve been living in this house here
Since the day that I was born
These walls have seen me happy
But most of all they’ve seen me torn
They’ve heard the screaming matches
That made a family fall apart
They’ve had a front row seat
To the breaking of my heart

7 times 70 times
I’ll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay
But forgiveness made a way
7 times 70 times
There’s healing in the air tonight
I’m reaching up to pull it down
Gonna wrap it all around

I remember running down the hallway
Playing hide-and-seek
I didn’t know that I was searching
For someone to notice me
I felt alone and undiscovered
And old enough to understand
Just when I’m s’posed to be learning to love you
Let me doubt again

7 times 70 times
I’ll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay
But forgiveness made a way
7 times 70 times
There’s healing in the air tonight
I’m reaching up to pull it down
Gonna wrap it all around

I lost count of the ways you let me down
But no matter how many times you weren’t around
I’m all right now

God picked up my heart and helped me through
And shined a light on the one thing left to do
And that’s forgive you
I forgive you

7 times 70 times
If that’s the cost I’ll pay the price
7 times 70 times
I’ll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay
But forgiveness made a way

7 times 70 times
There’s healing in this house tonight
I’m reaching up to pull it down
Gonna wrap it all around
Yeah
I’m gonna wrap it all around

I’ve been living in this house here
Since the day that I was born


This song really kind of hits me every time I hear it on the radio and because it is new, it comes on a lot. It makes me think a lot about my own family. My parents and their divorce. To be honest, there are times where I think that I have dealt with it better than they have. You know, divorce is a really hard thing. Everyone knows that, but not everyone realizes how difficult it truly is. I don’t think even all divorced people really ever fully realize it. My parents got divorced when I was very young. It was shortly after we moved to South Carolina, I was like 5 or 6. It ended up being a really complicated situation. Some of the friends who I have shared the all inclusive story with call me “life time” because it sounded like something that should have come from a lifetime movie. It was all pretty dramatic.

Growing up in divorced homes but yet still loving Christian homes kind of caused for a lot of confusion in my life. I tend to think a lot and I ask a lot of questions. I love analyzing things and I always have. And I know that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Divorce is really hard to understand no matter how young or old you are.

After the divorce, both of my parents got remarried to wonderful people. When I was pretty young, I justified it by thinking that it was not God’s plan for mommy and daddy to be married but it was his plan for them to have me and my little brother, Josiah. But the conflicting problem later was that divorce is bad, it’s wrong and it is not what God wants. So that caused a major problem in my original justification. God wouldn’t have set my parents up for that, He wouldn’t have planed and intended for them to get a divorce. This caused some problems and raised new questions. If their marriage was just merely a “mistake” and they just didn’t marry the right person, then that means that Josiah and I were just products of a mistake. I knew that couldn’t be right. That was the one thing I have always been 100% sure of because God doesn’t accidentally make people. lol. But at the same time, now my parents are both happily married, with the person they are supposed to be with? Would things have played out differently if they had met their current spouses earlier? Then how would I exist? I wouldn’t. But because I know that I was not a mistake, I know that my parents were meant to be married. But that doesn’t make room or a purpose for my step parents. See, the logistics of divorce is really confusing. It just becomes this big guessing game of what God really wanted, what His plan was/is and what would happen if things had been different. And from thinking that their marriage or divorce was a mistake.


A few years ago, it was about Christmas time and I had some grand epiphany. I think one of my favorite things about having a relationship with God is when He shows you or teaches you things that you did not learn in church. I’ve gone to church my entire life and sometimes I think that I know or have heard it all. But I love it when God tells me a new little secret. Anyways, since it was near Christmas, I was doing some thinking. I asked myself “what would have happened if Joseph actually had left Marry?” – It would have ruined everything. That was not God’s plan. But Joseph had free will, God gave us free will. We can and do make mistakes. But DUH. God knows everything. He already knows what mistakes and sins we are going to do before we do them. Yes, we get to make choices, but He already knows what choices we are going to make. And He isn’t dumb, He is still going to get what He wants and so He has already made adjustments for the mistakes that we are going to make. Then those adjustments become part of His plan. He knew that Joseph was going to leave Marry, but He couldn’t let that happen. So He sent an angel. He knew that was what Joseph would respond to and He made it extremely clear what He wanted done. He didn’t let Joseph ruin His plan. I think of the story of Jonah and many others of disobedience in the Bible. Same thing, people made mistakes, they messed up, sometimes they were punished or faced hardships because of what they did, but ultimately, God’s will was still carried out. What this all made me realize is that we cannot mess up God’s plan. It is hard to fathom that someone knows exactly what we are going to do before we are going to do it. Especially in times where we can’t make up our own minds and we don’t know what we are going to do until we’ve done it. We have the freedom to make the choices, but God already knew what we were going to do long before. He has accounted for that and in a way, I guess you could say that He has worked His plan around us. We cannot make a mistake big enough to ruin God’s plan, He won’t let us.

To me, this means that God did intend for my mommy and daddy to get married. Their marriage was not a mistake. They did not marry the wrong person. But God also knew that they were going to get a divorce. It’s not what He wanted for them, but He knew that it would happen and so He prepared for it. Both of my step parents had also been divorced and they both had other children. God knew what we all needed after divorce had torn apart our homes and He gave it to us. It was in a way His new plan for us (even though it wasn’t totally new because He had known it all along).

The song talks about forgiveness and healing of the parents. I’m not angry about my parents getting divorced. In fact, I know that it totally sucked, but I’m not sure I would want things to have turned out any differently. I think the hardest thing to deal with for both myself and Josiah is the way our parents act towards each other sometimes. I don’t mean to embarrass or upset them by saying this (because I’m sure they are reading it…) but sometimes they are just downright petty. They are bitter and still upset with one another. They get jealous of each other, they bicker and do and say things with purely selfish intentions. (please don’t me mad at me if you’re reading this, just keep reading, you won’t be upset for long, I promise…) Growing up it was always “my time” “my weekend” between the two of them. There were times dad did not take us to the dentist because mommy scheduled the appointment on his weekend. At both houses, there were birthday parties and things that we did not get to go to because of whose weekend they fell on. Toys and clothes belonged at one house of the other and that was pretty strictly enforced. My brother and I had two of a lot of things, one at each house. My parents did all that they could not to have to work together. I remember the first thing that daddy ever got me that he actually told me I could take back an fourth with me. It was an mp3 player that he and Mrs. Tammy gave me one year in high school for Christmas. It was that big of a deal for me that I was given permission to take something from one house to another that I remember it. It has always been easier to call my mama out on when I thought she was just being…when she wasn’t thinking about us. I’ve never been able to say anything like that to daddy. It is always frustrating when their issues for each other get in the way of us living normal lives. I HATE the politics and as I said, it is the politics that hurt my brother and I the most and are the hardest to get past.

In a healthy parent child relationship, there is always a parent-child wall. It is a good wall. It is that, I respect them as my parent wall. You view them as the parent and there are just some things that you do and do not expect from them. You expect them to be wiser and stronger, more mature than you. We dehumanize our parents a little bit and they become idols (for lack of a better term). Often, it is a wall that is based on protection. They don’t want us to worry about some things, so they don’t tell us. There might be parts of their lives that they don’t want us to know simply because they are the parent and we are the child. This wall gets smaller as children get older and become adults. As I have gotten older, I have noticed a chip in the wall between my parents and I. I realized that they feel and act the way they do towards one another sometimes because they are still hurt. They got remarried, they have new families and after all these years I expected my parents to be over it. I could never understand why they were being petty or selfish. Josiah and I are the ones whose lives are much more complicated because of it. I tell people that I have a blended family but the truth is, no matter how wonderful, warm and loving the parts of my family are, I will always have a broken family because it is in parts. I’ve never had all of my brothers and sisters in the same state let alone the same room. I can never spend holidays with all of my family at once, as a family. Half of my family wants little or nothing to do with the other half and we have always had to keep them separate. I always assumed that my parents got off easy, they got remarried and got new lives. Whereas Josiah and I were always and forever will be in the middle. But as I get older I have developed more understanding and more compassion and I can see that they were the ones who got hurt the worst. It hurt them much deeper than me or my brother because the divorce was never our fault and the brokenness was not about us, but for them, it was personal. We did not fail, we were not abandoned. Our trust, love and relationships were not broken, but theirs was. I can’t imagine what they actually felt or feel (at the same time, they can’t fully understand what we feel or go through). I realize now that my parents actions over the years is because they are still hurt. I can understand why the parent who bought us the car doesn’t want us driving it to go see the other parent or why feelings get hurt on holidays when we choose to be at one house over another. They can give all of the reasons that they want but it is because they still have a big scar and it causes them to take everything personally. This really sucks for my brother and I because we become the victims and the enemies all at the same time.
My wedding is now almost a year away. Honestly, ever since I was about 10 I have dreaded and worried about parts of that special day. My biggest problem was with who was going to walk me down the aisle. My big (step) sister had a really cool set up. Her daddy walked her down the aisle and my daddy, her step dad, performed the ceremony. At one point my daddy told me that he wanted to do my ceremony. But I knew I wanted him to walk me down the aisle and he couldn’t do both. But at the same time, I didn’t want my step dad to be left out, after all, I love him too. I ended up asking them both to walk me down the aisle and I want all four of my parents to give me away. But things still are not that easy. I worry because I know that emotions will be running higher than normal on that day. I don’t want any of my parents to feel left out, hurt or jealous. It has taken a lot of problem solving and talking to people to help make sure that doesn’t happen at all costs. To be perfectly honest, it is playing parent politics. But I play the game because I care. I love my entire family, equally. I’ve always been mommy’s girl because I never got the chance to be daddy’s. At the same time, I have two absolutely wonderful step parents who I adore. All four of my parents have had an equal hand in preparing me for life. They have all loved me, tucked me in at night, taken care of me, fed and clothed me, taken care of me when I was sick. They have all given me advice, broken up fights between me and my other siblings, magically fixed booboos and dried tears. At the same time, they have all equally caused tears, disappointed me, given me bad advice (push ups anyone?) and done all of the other totally normal things that parents do to their kids. It is really important for me that they all feel loved and included EQUALLY on my wedding day, and hopefully for the rest of their lives after that. Besides, they should feel really special because there is another set of parents that I also wish could walk me down the aisle and give me away too. But they can’t. For one, the aisle just isn’t big enough and for two, it would be kind of weird for them to be giving me away into their own family. William’s parents have been a big part of my life over the last 7 years. They have actually done everything I listed above that my parents have done with the exception of tucking me in at night. They have fed me, loved me, taken me to the doctors because I was too scared to get a shot by myself, given me boy advice, helped me financially, scolded me, taken me to church and everything else that my parents have done. I love all 6 of them dearly and deeply and one as much as the others.

I just wish that my parents could see that Josiah and I are still just kids caught in the middle. When we do things, make choices about where to live or where to spend our time, that it is not personal. In a way, it is actually a gift. I wish they could understand how much we truly love them and how thankful we are that they have given us the opportunity to have other loving and wonderful parents/adult in our lives. Just like a parent has endless love and their love for one child does not become cut in half or forth when they have other children, our love does not run out or is not divided among our parents. If my parents love and are proud of the woman that I am today then they must realize that without having Mr. Andy or Mrs. Tammy in my life, I would not be the same woman. Them getting divorced sucked, but it gave me the opportunity to have a giant family and to be surrounded by more love than I would have ever had. Sometimes I come across old pictures from my mommy and daddy’s wedding. It is super freaky to see my mama’s two younger brothers and my daddy’s little brother standing in the same picture. The thought that my uncles ever even knew each other is just bizarre because as long as I can remember my family has been that separated. It makes me realize how deep and widespread the effects of divorce really are. I can’t even imagine my grandparents being in the same place let alone them being part of one family at some point. What these family members don’t realize is that even though their children are not married any longer, they still are part of the same family because they are still part of mine and Josiah’s family. Anyways, the divorce was really hard on all of us. It effected and hurt all of us and again, yea, it totally sucked. But at the same time, I do not regret it nor am I angry about it. Matter a fact, I wouldn’t change it in a million years and if we could go back, I think I would even do it again. I have four parents who I love dearly. I have been given extra grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins that I wouldn’t trade for the world. I have 3 amazing older brothers who I look up to and adore and a beautiful older sister, and 7 nieces and nephews that I wouldn’t have otherwise. And my parents are all happily married and well loved. Daddy and Mrs. Tammy have 4 perfect children and 3 wonderful little grand children. Mama and Mr. Andy have 4 perfect children and 4 wonderful little grand children. If you ever regret the divorces that all of you have gone through or wished that they never happened, you are regretting away half of your kids. I only mention this because sometimes I do get the vibe by things you’ve said to me that you do regret it and that you wished it never happened. It sucked, but it lead to the life you have now. Would you really have it any other way? I wish for you to forgive yourself and each other.
I know it hurt them and I hate that they are still hurting but I wish they could see that everything they have is totally worth it. I’m not angry about the divorce and so I never felt a need to really forgive them for that. The politics really are the hardest part and what hurt me the most. But by understanding why they happen, it has helped me to be more compassionate and to forgive them. I try to heal those broken and bitter feelings as much as I can when they come up but I know that there really is not much I can do. What scares me is that, I know when I get really really upset with William about something, there is only one person in the world that can make me feel better. And that is William. I really think that the only way my parents will ever truly and completely be able to heal (and let Josiah and I move beyond parent politics) is by dealing with their feelings and making peace with one another. I know that the odds of that every happening are about .0001%. Which leave it to me and my brother to deal with their feelings for the rest of our lives….I know that is not how it is supposed to be, but that is how it is. And we will do it with open, loving, caring, understanding, forgiving and compassionate hearts because we love them more than anything.

I hope they are not too upset with me posting this (if they even read it) but as I have said time and time again, this is the one place where I get to say whatever I want no matter what it is. So this is what was on my mind. I love all 6 of you dearly. You all are great and you all have your weaknesses – because you are human. Even though sometimes you nitpick and are critical of each others' weaknesses, know that we are not. We love you just as purely and unconditionally as you love us. We are proud of you, we look up to you and we need you, if nothing else just simply because you are our parents. You are our Mommy, Mr. Andy, Daddy and Mrs. Tammy. (And my Mrs. Dianna and Mr. Dave) You are all different and you are all the same. God gave us all of you and He did it for a reason and we wouldn’t be us without you. I thank all six of you for everything you have done for me, everything you have taught me, every good example and bad, and everything you will continue to do for me. I love you.